a certain feeling…

So, it has been almost a year since Faith and I broke up. I’ve been in two relationships, both of which just didn’t feel right and ended up not working out. I’ve also been on a few dates and well, it has pretty much been the same. There isn’t that “spark”; I never feel a strong connection or attraction. My friends say the right one will come along eventually and all I can do is keep looking/waiting. Not to get my hopes down and persevere. I mean, it is really frustrating. It feels like everyone around me is finding someone or has their someone; if someone else gets married I’m gonna flip out! Just kidding, I’m very happy for all of you.

I have a feeling that for a relationship to work an underlying friendship must be there first. However, all friendships cannot lead to more. Well, Faith and I were great friends. She was someone I could talk to about anything and truly understood me. Right now I really would like to have someone like that to talk to about certain things going on; I’ve actually been trying to find that for a while. Faith and I have seen each other a handful of times since we broke up and every time it is usually pretty brief. The meetings are awkward and sad. I’m sad because we aren’t together and she is because I’m sad. The awkwardness just comes from not really knowing how we should act towards each other.

We’ve tried discussing things before, typically over the phone. But nothing ever gets resolved. With phone conversations (or any means of somewhat impersonal communication) it is very easily to detach oneself from the other person. One can simply hang up, the other person in the conversation cannot see your facial expressions that might suggest you are holding things back and it is easy to rush through things. Face-to-face conversations on the other hand are much more effective at getting things resolved. So, I went to the Brock on Friday to workout, see Bill and, in reality, see Faith. She came into the weight room and we chatted some (somewhat awkward as usual) but I was really out of breath from Romanian deadlifts, which I happened to set a PR of 365 x 6 with. So, she left to check some stuff before she went to class and I sent her a text to come back in and talk before she left. I asked her to hang out that night. It is weird, I was nervous. Someone I’ve known for almost four years now, dated for a year and a half and who knows more about me than just about anyone else…and I was nervous.

So, she called after she was done with her afternoon stuff and came down. We went to pick up Penny from the vet and then went to Short Pump. She went to the Verizon store and then we went to the mall and did some shopping. I was super sore from lifting but also still just bummed out as usual. The thing is, I’d rather be bummed out about not being together and still get to see her than not see her at all. Because, seeing her makes me think of good times and I’m always just hoping that one day, our friendship will be normal.

After shopping we headed back downtown and went for dinner. I’ve always heard good things about Beauregard’s Thai Room and decided we should go there. She knew something was wrong and I told her we’d talk after dinner about it. But, the restaurant was completely empty (which actually kind of worried me) and we were able to get a table alone in the back corner of the restaurant; it worked out quite well. So, we talked.

When we broke up, there was always the question “Why?” It came out of nowhere, literally. She went on a trip while in Ghana and came back, called me and broke up with me. No talking about things, it just happened. She told me it was because she is unsure about what she wants to do with her future and doesn’t want to keep me waiting. I understand that, but at least talk to me about it? Anywho, there is probably a whole blog in the past about the breakup.

I always thought why and thought I did something wrong. When she returned there were a couple conversations that made me believe that I did indeed do something wrong. It came up that I didn’t call enough. And then I wondered why we didn’t talk when she got back. Of course, I needed some time and so did she but not even a text or an IM for the longest time (aside from a few times when we hung out right after she returned to VA in J Term). Her grandmother was ill at the time and she was going through a lot. I tried to be as available as possible; I thought I was. She told me once I wasn’t there for her like a friend should be. Ever since I’ve always felt guilty…like it was my fault we aren’t friends anymore. So, I brought this up at dinner and she said it wasn’t true. That I called enough and tried and that I was there for her and in fact one of the only people there for her. It was good to hear it come from her; it put me a bit more at ease.

So, we talked some more. I told her that the reason I’m sad when we hang out is because she isn’t mine anymore and I’m not hers. That we aren’t making memories and doing the things together that we had once talked about. But that I would rather see her and be sad than to never see her again. Seeing her brings happy thoughts to mind but also sadness since they aren’t going to happen anymore. Double-edged sword, eh?

But as we talked more and more, she smiled. Like, a real smile. Throughout all of our recent encounters, there was never a true smile. Maybe the occasional one at something funny outside of our conversation or a half-hearted one. But this was a genuine smile at/to me. When it happened I got this feeling. It felt amazing. I have never been so happy in a long, long time. At that moment I realized, I was never really over her. I might have suppressed it for a bit, but the feelings never went away. I also knew that I never just liked her (which I knew before) but that I was in love. I love and care about a lot of people but in love, that has happened just once. Take a guess with whom.

But anywho, we sat and talked more and then left. I walked her to her car and we parted ways. When I went to bed that night I actually went to bed happy. I honestly cannot remember the last time that has happened. I fill my life with hobbies, weight lifting and work to keep my mind off of what I truly miss.

Okay, I’ve written enough for now, I’ll write part two later.


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